Past Names (Dorian Gray)

You don’t get to call me by that name any more,
I am no muse, no painting to hang upon your frame any more,
I will age from a maid to a crone as I wish
Because in growing old there is great knowledge within it.

One day this skin will fall from my bones
to decay like leaves on the floor of a forest
There is truth in beauty and a beauty within the darkest of things.

I count my blessing but they are never counted on,
I am young, but I know that I am not young for long.
You can stretch the truth of age all that you want
but the wolves in those bars only thirst for young blood.

The dichotomy of it all means
I am all that I am because of all that I am not.

Finishing songs.

The fragility of your skin, the circuits of your body wear so thin.
You don’t look like the last time you smiled at me,
it was the last time you told me you were happy,
it was the last time you told me not to worry.
But now you’re breaking backs just to sit up,
as you hold my hand, it’s the first human touch you’ve had
since the Nurses rounds, where her cold hand woke you from your dreams of sailing homeward bound.
If I am lost, then I can’t be found.

Now my visions come measured unequally
a chorus of death more than love it seems
As I see old friends before me as a banquet of ghosts without breath or speech
A company of wolves, we were as thick as thieves
A company of wolves who now rarely speak.
But my heart still beats with them, every last one of them
and as our old conversations resonate against old ballroom walls
out into the cityscape singing
If I am lost, then I can’t be found.

I dream of being held like a figurine
where your fingers would intertwine right through me
as if I were your childhood memory
Forever sunshine, cotton socked naivety
carve me out of all those things,
carve me out of childhood dreams.
Because it all feels so far removed from everything that I am used to
Just clenching teeth and grinding through the hard days and empty nights
we wait for our hearts to play tuneful.
If I am lost, then I can’t be found.

Things don’t last forever

It rained the day that they took her away
As the sirens danced through the space in between the raindrops and cityscape
and the distance between us felt so far away.

She said I can’t love this town but I don’t hate it either
its just my apathy grows from the architecture
and the town where I grew up doesn’t want me either so I feel so alone.

Don’t be fooled, things don’t last forever
no matter who tells you otherwise, bad things will happen to you.

Even loved ones will die on Christmas day
and all their good memories will just fade away
her face you recall only vaguely without a photo to prompt anyway

Like the cracks in her lips where the red wine would sit
The jokes she would tell you would never quite get
She said she would explain when you were 16
but by the morning she’d forget.

Sometimes I only see her weakness’s
walking low lit streets alone in British Winters
Its been so long, I forget how truly dark it gets
without gin to keep your heart warm

But I have been blessed by enough sunlight
to bleach out the shame of so many past nights
I attempted to rid of myself and the black hole that I felt
She always said grey days were the hardest to live through.

If I am lost

I’ve starting writing some new songs recently. It feels like its been a while since I wrote anything new, even though that’s not the case. More so, it feels like a long time since I wrote a song I liked.

I like writing sad songs. Songs I can stuff too many words into, played over limited chords and get out what I seldom talk about in conversation. I find conversation difficult. So I stand on a stage for 20 minutes and bare all and I find relief.

This week I filmed the start of a new song before  I left for work on Thursday so I could watch it back and see if I liked it.I like where it is going, so I sent it in an email, then I ended up putting it on YouTube.