R U OK?

I’ve been doing better thank you, in fact I’m doing better than the last time I met you.
I’ve not said I feel sad aloud in a long, long time.
Still, I’ve cried on my own listening to your favourite songs, hoping that someone would walk through that door so I don’t have to cry by myself anymore. 

I’m hoping and wishing that someone else would be just like you except a lot nicer. 
In parts I could say that about myself but this is definitely about you this time. 

God Dammit

I’ve been trying to find you in the faces of strangers
Trying to untangle their features into your human make-up
I know our outward characteristics
shouldnt define an entire existence
its not even intrinsic to the parts of you I love the best,
But I’ve been searching everywhere
because dear god, I’ve missed it.

inner peace/restless sleep

I’m clutching to wishes, the bones of dead birds
taking their life from them to better my own
and I feel no resolve from generic horror-scopes
and I’m carrying crystals and calling it hope.
I have friends who wont answer the telephone
its just “please leave a message after the tone…”
“hello, I just wish you were home.”

Past Names (Dorian Gray)

You don’t get to call me by that name any more,
I am no muse, no painting to hang upon your frame any more,
I will age from a maid to a crone as I wish
Because in growing old there is great knowledge within it.

One day this skin will fall from my bones
to decay like leaves on the floor of a forest
There is truth in beauty and a beauty within the darkest of things.

I count my blessing but they are never counted on,
I am young, but I know that I am not young for long.
You can stretch the truth of age all that you want
but the wolves in those bars only thirst for young blood.

The dichotomy of it all means
I am all that I am because of all that I am not.

Finishing songs.

The fragility of your skin, the circuits of your body wear so thin.
You don’t look like the last time you smiled at me,
it was the last time you told me you were happy,
it was the last time you told me not to worry.
But now you’re breaking backs just to sit up,
as you hold my hand, it’s the first human touch you’ve had
since the Nurses rounds, where her cold hand woke you from your dreams of sailing homeward bound.
If I am lost, then I can’t be found.

Now my visions come measured unequally
a chorus of death more than love it seems
As I see old friends before me as a banquet of ghosts without breath or speech
A company of wolves, we were as thick as thieves
A company of wolves who now rarely speak.
But my heart still beats with them, every last one of them
and as our old conversations resonate against old ballroom walls
out into the cityscape singing
If I am lost, then I can’t be found.

I dream of being held like a figurine
where your fingers would intertwine right through me
as if I were your childhood memory
Forever sunshine, cotton socked naivety
carve me out of all those things,
carve me out of childhood dreams.
Because it all feels so far removed from everything that I am used to
Just clenching teeth and grinding through the hard days and empty nights
we wait for our hearts to play tuneful.
If I am lost, then I can’t be found.

Things don’t last forever

It rained the day that they took her away
As the sirens danced through the space in between the raindrops and cityscape
and the distance between us felt so far away.

She said I can’t love this town but I don’t hate it either
its just my apathy grows from the architecture
and the town where I grew up doesn’t want me either so I feel so alone.

Don’t be fooled, things don’t last forever
no matter who tells you otherwise, bad things will happen to you.

Even loved ones will die on Christmas day
and all their good memories will just fade away
her face you recall only vaguely without a photo to prompt anyway

Like the cracks in her lips where the red wine would sit
The jokes she would tell you would never quite get
She said she would explain when you were 16
but by the morning she’d forget.

Sometimes I only see her weakness’s
walking low lit streets alone in British Winters
Its been so long, I forget how truly dark it gets
without gin to keep your heart warm

But I have been blessed by enough sunlight
to bleach out the shame of so many past nights
I attempted to rid of myself and the black hole that I felt
She always said grey days were the hardest to live through.

Lobby Floor (Capo on 6th)

She pulls her hoodie on, it’s followed by the slamming of that door
Her converse sink into the carpet of the lobby floor.
She mouths ‘I don’t need him, not no more’
His black heart, these black eyes should have never been mine to sport.

As she puts her headphones in,
Musical ghosts of her past sing,
Guitars regale a broken past as the kick drum pounds like her sunken heart.
Singing ‘I am stronger than I was but I’m not sure if it’s enough,
Although the storm on me on over there is so much to clean up.
I though I’d been liberated once, but it was puppy love
Now it’s gone, it won’t return
And what I’m left with; it hurts.

When we first met, we made a pact and said best friends,
With grass stains on our knees you said that you’d protect me
But that must’ve been boyhood bravery because you’re a coward and a thief
You see I don’t smile no more,
You took that from me.